No Good Year Continues...

I woke up Saturday morning (01/24) just like any other morning. I rolled over and like many other people the first thing I did was grab for my phone. I saw several missed calls and messages from my dad, mom and aunt. I knew instantly what had happened. Blair was dead.

Sure enough I got a hold of my aunt and my father within a few hours and both confirmed it. I found this article in the paper that morning. I guess Blair wasn't working the entire week we left him on the ridge and Friday evening he took a gun and drove up to this state park by himself and ...... they found him a few hours later.

We had just used a whole Saturday last weekend to get his stuff out of his house and moved it to Ligonier out by Kevin and Lisa. Blair was in a weird, non-communicative daze the entire time. I wasn't sure what to think. I knew he was probably upset, etc. so I made sure to tell the boy to give Blair a hug to make him feel better. That was obviously not enough.

From what I had heard him and his wife were having issues and it dealt with possibly both his health issues and alcohol use. I have been told that due to his 30+ years of welding his lungs were having serious problems as well as other things and I guess although I know they had big fights and stuff previously over alcohol use. It hadn't stopped and accordingly to Mary Jo it was worse than ever. She seemed super bitchy when we were there. It was such an inconvenience for her. That was not a good attitude to have. Was she just hurt that this was happening or was she seriously that much of a cunt?

Also the week before I got wind of an episode regarding an overdose of sleeping pills. Apparently when they went to the doctor though they either didn't test him for that or there was no evidence of abuse but I wonder. My dad instantly was in denial about that but both my sister and I knew it was a serious warning flag. I don't know what everyone else outside the family knows about what happens. It is a secret? Are people asking questions? I just am keeping quiet about it but again it seems like someone could have intervened in some way to prevent this tragedy.

I was called upon to go to the funeral home with everyone else and talk to the funeral director. We had to hash out his obituary and everything. We were all pretty sad. At least Mary Jo had lost her attitude. I'm sure as mad as she was about whatever was going on, no one wanted this to happen. For second I thought I was invited to help pitch in to cover costs. That was scary because if you read my last blog this was not a good time. I would have done what I could but luckily rich Mary Jo stepped up to cover it. She also got first pick through all Blair's things we moved and took what she wanted. She says the will left everything to her. I'm sure it did. Anyway after lots of cry breaks this is what we came up with.

It would have been nice to have a heads up this was going thru his mind. Was his visits to the doctor giving him information that things were worse than we could imagine? Was he suffering in some way that he couldn't bear to take? Why didn't he talk to anyone? He was only 57 years old and I couldn't picture whatever was happening couldn't have been the worse thing that has ever happened to him. We still could have objected but at least had some understanding if he just would have opened up to someone. I think people are secretly hoping something was seriously wrong so at least we can point to that and feel a little bit better. The way it happened left everyone without answers and super sad. It was so so sad to watch my dad break down crying a bunch of times. When I first heard I was angry. Angry the way I was when I heard Matt (Dan's brother) attempted to kill himself. Why would you be so selfish? Just fucking look at what you've done to everybody that cares about you. How could anything be so fucking bad that you would do that? I did get sad several times as the enormity of it hit me but when that fades the anger remains.

I know I wasn't best friends with Blair but he was still my family. My family that is now one elder less. I wish this wouldn't have happened. He never had any kids for some reason. The Cartwright line is in my hands to continue it. Pax would have loved you too Blair.