Usually when I accomplish things I feel as though that was expected to be accomplished and I barely get any joy of them but lately it has been different. I don't know if it's the meditations or the babby or what but I feel happier recently, more appreciative and I think I like it.
THE MEDITATIONS
I read a bunch of meditation books towards the end of last year and got some guided audio meditations on my phone I have been listening to. I've been learning to clear my mind and be in the moment more. In my life so far my brain just runs future scenarios. Whether they be I wish this interaction would have came out differently this way or planning for a future interaction I know will be happening that what it does always. Maybe doing that distracts me from being able to do other things I don't know. I have been clearing to clear my mind and then focus on what it does, label it and put it behind me. What I try to picture I try to describe as Super Mario Galaxy when I talk to someone about it. I picture the nothingness of space and myself flying through it and extraordinary speeds as when Mario gets propelled from planetoid to planetoid in the game. I picture a huge star that more than fills my field of vision but I am still far away from it but that is where I'm going; enlightenment. When I get distracted and my brain goes off on tangents as soon as I realize that I picture that line of thinking as an asteroid or something I temporarily landed on but the realization breaks it up and it crumbles behind me as I once again continue forward towards the light. I think that is working for me. Some days I can calm myself and clear my head rather easily, some days it just doesn't happen for me but I think continuing to try is worth it. I can push my brain to do more for me.
THE BABBY
Maybe it's the babby. He is super cute after all. Ale and I came up with the idea of Pax long before she ever moved here. When she finally got pregnant and he turned out to be a boy and then was born healthy things all seem to go according to some plan. I haven't had a newborn baby in so long I almost forgot what it was like but it's wonderful. I feel I love Ale even more for successfully producing such a wonder. Her family visited for almost a month to come see him and help her take care of him and they just left this past weekend and dang do I miss them. It was wonderful to have them here. I really enjoyed their visit and was sad to see them go. I feel sad when I think they will miss the babby being so far away. I feel like more of a family than we were before somehow. If I can just get my mom, Aunt Dee and Elaine to cooperate and help us with daycare we could even entertain the possibility of another little bundle of joy. That has to happen real soon though.
Quick substory to the babby I wanted to add.
We did have a bit of trouble with him at first. The feeding part did not go as planned. Unfortunately Ale's body was not cooperating with the plans to breast feed him and was only producing a few ounces of milk per day when Pax required much more. This is upsetting to Ale and that made me upset but I understand and it's not her fault. There's nothing you can do. The doctor's keep saying 'Oh it'll probably all work for the next baby'. Well that's great and all but what the hell is this one supposed to eat. He's the one screaming right now that he's hungry. >.< It took us the whole first weekend to figure that out (which was miserable) and that somehow set some red flags off when we took him for his first doctor's appointment. They expected him to lose a little bit of weight but not as much. We told them what we found out but they scheduled another appointment in a week to make sure we were on track. Then when we went to that appointment weight was good but now his temperature was low for some reason and the lady was alarmed about that. I may have taken this the wrong way but it seemed to me it was a threat that she would insist the babby go to the hospital if it doesn't rise in the next 20 min. I definitely did not like how she imparted that information to us. I had to jam the babby down my shirt, skin to skin, to warm him up enough so we could leave but at least that worked. A few other things that may have caused me some slight worry:
- There is the red mark on his nose and one between his eyes that hasn't gone away yet.
- He had some skin issues at first too, flaky and such but that seems okay once I started using that lavender smelling babby lotion on him.
- I feel weren't weren't washing him enough and he got some bad babby acne before I started taking care of that.
- Also after a bath one day and a few other times I've noticed his had a weird pattern of small red circles all over his skin. People have since explained that away to me but I still didn't like it.
Anyway the point of all this is I'm happy. I feel happy. I am noticing that I am and feel happy which makes me even more happy. I don't think that used to be the case. Whatever is going on I like it and want it to continue. I love my wife and family!
